my heart is massive

alexa play easier than lying by halsey

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i love the low spark of high heeled boys.

That’s when we discovered we both loved that song and i thought we were really a pair. But I wonder why i would ever think someone would really love me. I fool myself over and over to think I’m somebody special. “I miss the thought of a forever you and me.” Did you ever really care? I don’t think I’ve ever been this depressed before. It’s scary and I’m not sure what to do. It’s that deep sadness that i can’t seem to get rid of.

yeah, wordpress, I don’t care that there was no traffic today. I don’t want any.


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I’ve noticed as life goes on, it gets harder to find joy every day.

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It’s almost time to rejoin others. I don’t want to. Not really. I like being in my cocoon.

I’m holding on to my quiet darkness a little longer.

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No you don’t

you think you can just breeze into my life and heart and just leave?

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I was wrong when I thought The Tower card meant something to do with my work. It’s been a slow crumbling as The Tower falls. First, the washer broke. Then the refrigerator, and several smaller things in between. Last night, the car started making a loud noise when I turned, so I figured the power steering needed fluid. But of course, it couldn’t be that simple. I was smug as the auto parts guy poured the fluid in. This morning, the power steering wasn’t working at all. I keep trying to deal with each thing as it comes up, but I AM human and I DO have a breaking point. I feel it is near. And yet through all this, plus the holiday madness, I think I am maintaining, but I can’t help but feel the “poor me” coming on. I sit down to check some email and I see one there from a dear friend. She writes that today is the 13th anniversary of her daughter’s death. That one sentence put everything in perspective.

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The Tower

I don’t know exactly what started the premonitions, but The Tower card confirms it. Things are about to fall apart. On one hand, I am scared of the consequences, but on the other hand, I am relieved that it will soon be over. It’s not good to keep giving energy into something that is so useless. But I am stuck on the Merry go Round, and the Universe is helping me get off the ride.
I am just feeling dead inside about my job. I have given years and years and all my time and energy into something that, yes, I get a paycheck and other benefits– but it is slowly killing me. They just keep demanding more and more and giving me less and less. I feel used and violated. I used to love my job. I love my work, but I dread going to my job. It’s more about selling than it is actual pharmacy work anymore.
I think it’s time to tear down the wall.


“The Tower” How you respond to the problems of today makes all the difference in how uncomfortable the experience will be. Know that if something falls apart, it was needed. In fact, you may feel a release of the weight off your shoulders that you have finally been forced in a new direction.

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I found a bag of cheerios next to the box of Disney Fairies Gummy snacks that we bought for the baby and it flooded me with sadness.

I miss her so much. We all do. We miss her mama too.

I’m lighting a grounding brown candle and some frankincense and ask the powers that be to protect, comfort, heal and guide my daughter and her husband to do the right thing by each other and their baby. And to help them find the happiness they couldn’t find here.

“O Goddess, protect my loved ones every day,
as they sleep and as they play.
Help them to always smile bright,
and keep them safe in Your loving light.
Protect them from harm and from all they fear.
For they are the ones that I hold dear.
I thank you Goddess for helping me.
I trust in Your aid So mote it be!”
With harm to none, this spell is done.


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Friday the 13th

I’ve always loved Friday the 13th, and not only because I was born on one, but I’ve always liked those quirky, superstitious things that creeped other people out.

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Summer Solstice

I woke today like any other day, fretting about all the things I hadn’t done. I wanted to do so many things on these days off. But I realized, I really needed to decompress. This is the time when the “Sun stands still”, and maybe I should too. Since Simon died, I hadn’t been the same. Then I was hit with the Jennifer Chapter and that one is still dragging on. As a matter of fact, every time a cat died, it changed me a little. It softens my heart and turns me into someone who can’t help but show her feelings, instead of that hard person that never cried. But this time really changed me. I had never witnessed a death like that before. I feel like something is missing and I need to get “it” back.

So I’m going to use this Summer Solstice as a standing still period. I already have my candles going and my incense burning. I’m going to gather my strength and energy to keep doing what I do. To reassess myself and where I am going, and to ask myself if I am still on the right path? And if not, then to change it. I will go outside barefoot and reconnect with the grounding energy of the earth. Recharge my batteries. Bask in the Sun and feel it warm my skin. Remember why I am here.

I am invoking the Sun-God to put to flight the powers of darkness.

Let the Midsummer fires shine forth.

With harm to none, so mote it be.


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