They are back again. The dark days. The darkness seeped in watching Simon die. I can never be the same and I cannot erase that image that is seared in my brain. Watching him fall down, and flail around. Watching him gasp for air, until liquid flowed from his mouth. Watching his eyes look at me when I would sing his song. Wishing he just wouldn’t take that next breath. Watching him and petting him for 6 hours, until it was finally over.
Then came the Jennifer chapter a week ago. (has it only been a week?) The emotional roller coaster that I have no words to describe.
The pain is growing, gnawing it’s way from the middle of my soul. I have no idea how to begin to even repair this, if it can even be repaired. Every traumatic event leaves it’s scar, some get less obvious with time, but they will always remain, waiting to be dug up once again. The tears flow too easily, this is not me. I’m supposed to be strong and wise and know exactly what to say, but I’m not and I don’t. I feel sick and I know this is eroding the good that was starting to build. It feels like everything good was all in vain. How it takes so long to build and can be torn down in seconds.
Just the right bitter phrase does it quickly. I want my family to be happy, it’s all I have ever wanted but it seems to elude me at every turn. The harder I try, the harder it becomes to catch. It always runs a little faster than me.
I want to scream, to beat things, cry and yell, but that doesn’t fix anything. Plus to top it off, today was not much fun at work. Then to get home to the black cloud that is staying for a while. I have no escape, and I’ve tried playing the diplomat, but nothing is working.
She’s my daughter, and they are my children, my grandchildren ~ my flesh and blood, and regardless of the mistakes, they’re still mine. I will always love her and the baby. Every time I close my eyes, I see the seizure. And the baby..that’s the heartbreaker.
The sweet, softness that is Charlotte.
And this is where I break down again.
Please goddess, fix us, or show me how.
With harm to none