My Darkest Days

They are back again. The dark days. The darkness seeped in watching Simon die. I can never be the same and I cannot erase that image that is seared in my brain. Watching him fall down, and flail around. Watching him gasp for air, until liquid flowed from his mouth. Watching his eyes look at me when I would sing his song. Wishing he just wouldn’t take that next breath. Watching him and petting him for 6 hours, until it was finally over.

Then came the Jennifer chapter a week ago. (has it only been a week?) The emotional roller coaster that I have no words to describe.

The pain is growing, gnawing it’s way from the middle of my soul. I have no idea how to begin to even repair this, if it can even be repaired. Every traumatic event leaves it’s scar, some get less obvious with time, but they will always remain, waiting to be dug up once again. The tears flow too easily, this is not me. I’m supposed to be strong and wise and know exactly what to say, but I’m not and I don’t. I feel sick and I know this is eroding the good that was starting to build. It feels like everything good was all in vain. How it takes so long to build and can be torn down in seconds.

Just the right bitter phrase does it quickly. I want my family to be happy, it’s all I have ever wanted but it seems to elude me at every turn. The harder I try, the harder it becomes to catch. It always runs a little faster than me.

I want to scream, to beat things, cry and yell, but that doesn’t fix anything. Plus to top it off, today was not much fun at work. Then to get home to the black cloud that is staying for a while. I have no escape, and I’ve tried playing the diplomat, but nothing is working.

At all.

She’s my daughter, and they are my children, my grandchildren ~ my flesh and blood, and regardless of the mistakes, they’re still mine. I will always love her and the baby. Every time I close my eyes, I see the seizure. And the baby..that’s the heartbreaker.

the baby.

The sweet, softness that is Charlotte.

And this is where I break down again.

Please goddess, fix us, or show me how.

With harm to none

.Simon aka "Otis Mann" in the World

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Kittens and other things….

It’s been too long! First of all, still drinking the Diatomaceous Earth, I think it’s helping me. I was only sick a couple of days and aside from the residual morning congestion, am pretty much over it. I got Daryl to drink it a couple of times and Danny drinks it with me every day. I’m still trying to get the boys to do it…We’ll see after I get my cholesterol levels and stuff done.

The kitten had her kittens on February 28. Image

They are so cute, but she moved them today. It’s only a matter of time before they are everywhere. I just hope they all find good homes! I also hope I can raise enough donations to care for all these kitties! I’m still wishing for that big house that I can build them a backyard enclosure, or “catio”. Harm to none.

Been working a lot, tomorrow is my sixth day, but I have Sunday off. Only one day though. It’s never enough to recover from the stress of the pharmacy. I love my work, but sometimes I hate my job. Found out I was making less than I thought I was. Don’t know how that happened. But I’m in too deep here to just quit. Besides, I am used to having running water and lights when you flip a switch.

I just want some time off to reconnect with the magick in my life. I want to cast a spell, light a fire in the fire pit and sit in the moonlight or the darkness of a new moon looking for shooting stars. I want to feel like I have a purpose. I want to visit a cemetery at night and stand in the crossroads until I get chills.

Blessed be.

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Day Four ~ DE

I had the day off and a Dr. appointment today, but I woke with a sickness. Had a headache over the weekend, yesterday started feeling the congestion, sore throat and general yuck feeling. Now I have a little cough, congestion and feel like I’m underwater. Of course, there is the feeling like crap. But I didn’t have a fever and my Dr. appointment went well. Blood work all good, but they did more. She said I have some elevated Liver Enzymes a few months back, but she’ll check again in May. Otherwise, my thyroid levels were finally all normal last time I went to the Endocrinologist. Only complaint I have is I have gained more weight, but we’ll see how that goes. My Dr. said she is moving to Asheville, NC in the summer, which is a coincidence seeing how we have talked about moving there.
I took the DE today even though I felt bad. I figure it’s still working. And it doesn’t taste bad at all, it doesn’t even have a taste just a little chalky. So we’ll see how all my blood work comes out with cholesterol and stuff. ¬†Kitty hasn’t given birth yet and Simon aka Otis Mann (in the world) is still alive. We gave them all about a half teaspoonful of the DE mixed in their food. Terra has some crusty ears so I rubbed DE on them. She almost looks like she is developing mange or something. I hope not, we don’t have any more of the medicine for that. Hoping the DE works on it.
Blessed be.

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Day Three ~ DE

Okay, the first day that I took DE, I was energized. I cleaned off the porch, cleaned the kitchen and counters and did laundry, and still felt good. It was nothing I could put my finger on, I just felt better and more motivated to do something. Usually on my day off after working 6 days straight, I don’t feel like doing anything at all. Day Two was a busy Monday work day, so I took the teaspoon again, and I kept up all day. I was still a little sore and tired at the end of the day, and I feel like I am getting a cold on top of it. I am stopped up, sore throat, sneezing, etc. This is Tuesday, Day Three and I just took my third “dose”, a heaping teaspoon this time. I’m working up to a tablespoon a little at a time. I also have to say that we dosed up all the cats and Simon, who has had terrible diarrhea, and even been treated with meds from the Vet with little success, has finally had a solid bowel movement! I’m convinced this stuff is great. I’m going to use it daily with the cats as well, now I just need to get on a regular schedule of rubbing their coats with it for the fleas. Poor things all have fleas and the Advantage seems to have stopped being effective. I’ll see how that goes. Out to work the evening shift again, I’m hoping to have a good day because I really just want to stay home! Doctor appointment tomorrow with Dr. Darling. I got Danny to start taking the DE as well, he started yesterday. I think tomorrow, I’m going to convince everyone else in the house to do it too.
I’m hoping I can get some donations for the cats as we need to take Goblin Tom to the Vet to find out why he screams when he eats, poor baby, probably traumatized after that monster poisoned him. Plus we have the kitty that is about to give birth any minute. We have boxes all over the house in various places, but she keeps getting into the closet where my clothes are and knocking them off the shelf. Goddess, she’s probably going to give birth on my clothes! I posted the link for Readings for Donations, but haven’t gotten any replies yet. I’m going to push for more since I’m off tomorrow.

Blessed Be.

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Day One ~ DE

I finally got a day off after working six days in a row. So I used today to start trying the diatomaceous earth. I am starting with about 1/2 to 3/4 teaspoon and I mixed it with lemonade. I was afraid of the taste so it was the only thing I had that I thought may mask a bad taste, if it had one. I mixed it with about half a cup of lemonade, it dissolved pretty quickly, leaving a slightly chalky mixture, so I kept stirring, (it started looking a little like dirty water) and then drank it down quickly. So I’m going to log each day to see if I can tell if it’s doing anything. I read it has taken away pain, gave more energy with less sleep needed, removed toxins, etc. So right now, I’m pretty tired and draggy after working a full 6 busy days at the pharmacy. Plus my back usually hurts most of the time, so we’ll see if it does anything. I am going to work my way up to one teaspoonful after a couple of days.
I talked to Gabrielle today, she’s excited about the cat (which she named Tiger Paw) being pregnant. I’m sure it’s going to be any day now, she’s so huge and you can see the kittens kicking in there. Damn, don’t know what we’re going to do with kittens! Gabrielle says she thinks TP will have 5, I guessed 3. I’m hoping.
Yesterday was Cali’s birthday. She turned 6. I can’t believe it’s been 6 years since Baby got out that night and got pregnant. She’s the only one left of the whole family. (Baby and the other 4 kittens/cats- Peaches, Mango, Creamy and Nookie) She’s such a Diva and loud mouth. We love her.
My son in law already left for Boston, and just got there. I don’t know what to think about that whole situation. Jennifer and Charlotte are staying at his mother’s house in the meantime. Not sure how long it will take their house to sell. Problem is, it could take years. They only just moved in that house in May 2013.
Want to perform some magick today on my house. I need to do some major decluttering and try to do some major cleaning in the process. It is so neglected, and being so small, it feels like it is closing in on me. I can’t sit here and be depressed about being stuck in a crappy little house when I could use the time I have now to make it a little better. We obviously aren’t going to be moving in the next few months. Besides, it will be a bitch to move from here right now! We have been here about 5 years or so and it has not ever been deep cleaned, and there are still boxes in that back room that Danny was going to turn into my bedroom when we first moved here. It still has no wall and I sleep in the living room. But I’m going to work on changing my attitude, then working on cleaning my surroundings so I can get back in touch with my magickal side. I want to make an altar and I need my sacred space. So starting with the front porch, I’m going to work on this place, little by little. I am grateful I have a roof over my head. There was a time I was homeless, living in a homeless shelter, then graduating to a hotel room for months. Back then, I would have been overjoyed to have this place, so I better make the best of it! Actually, the first thing I am going to do is clear my spot on the corner of the kitchen counter so I can reclaim a little sacred space there for my candles. Have a great Sun Day and Blessed be.

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between the worlds

I was dusting Otis Mann with the diatomaceous earth and I noticed he was getting skinny. I can feel his back bone and his hips. But he was loving the attention. Poor guy, he doesn’t have long for this earth and I want to show him all the love I can. On the other hand, we have that poor little kitten (?We’re not sure how old she is, but she seems really young) that found us at the Walmart parking lot and she is about to pop with kittens. I’m walking a balance beam waiting for one or the other to happen. I look at that little thing and she seems so young and tiny to be about to give birth. It almost seems like a rape. I hope she can survive giving birth. May she have the energy to do it, and may the kittens be healthy. May old man not suffer. With harm to none, so mote it be.

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long day

I keep busy and working so I can avoid the feeling of losing my daughter and my grandbabies. They are going to be moving over 1300 miles away. Just writing that made me acknowledge it and I felt that huge sinkhole in my stomach sink deeper. Is she going to be okay? Are they going to be okay? When I talk to her, I find myself being sarcastic and mean because I am hurting. I’m not even sure how to describe what I am feeling. Partially sad, angry, empty, mad at myself for not being happy for them. It’s not like I can just drive there if I need to. I don’t know what to say.

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